31 Oct

I’ll be brutally honest here… ever since the other interns left the place has been awfully quiet. Its not that we hate each other or that we don’t talk… we do… but its not as bubbly anymore. I don’t laugh as much anymore. Dont go out on outings nor do i really enjoy lunch that much… cant trick people or even if i do its not as fun cause they don’t enjoy it… i know God does things for good… hahas i don’t hate anybody or what…but i miss those 3 months. Somehow this time this friendship doesn’t feel like as if it will last… and neither am i trying.

Its different internship now… so whats going to happen when he leaves… then will i be able to adjust? no interns? or will i not stay for the other year? I can leave but neither do i feel like going to TTC yet…i don’t feel like im ready…it will just be my father getting his own way or insisting that he is right even though he has been wrong for so many times. I guess no matter how close we are to God when it concerns the lives of other people we don’t seem to be able to sense what God wants to do unless we are truly aware.

I didn’t like how my dad told me to ask God which seminary i should go and whether i should be under plmc or pmc but doesn’t tell me to ask God which year or whether there is a reason why i don’t want to be in cells orchestrated by church…i don’t think its bad i just don’t sense i’m suppose to crash an already formed cell. i can be wrong…but to be honest even if im wrong… i do want to be in a cell has my friends and has a leader that i want to learn from or rather  Spirit led…preferably young though…hahas whether or not its under a church…i don’t care if im under a church or not but i have to do it for the sake of a piece of paper which honestly seems dumb to me…i don’t like doing things for a the sake of a piece of paper…like a degree or to enter TTC i have to be under a church and in a cell which is all mainly for a piece of paper. 

i dont like how we decide which one to listen to God for and which one doesnt require his advice or his direction… i don’t understand how people can just decide that oh once God answers this part i can decide the rest of the parts of that direction…i don’t get why he decides the big direction and we get to rule over the little things. Shouldnt we be in partnership all the way? Shouldnt we be listening all the way? How can we decide which one God decides and which one we decide…which usually means God decides one thing and we decide the other 99%. I want to work in partnership and not direct the ship. 


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